Diary Entry; Friday 28th December

#deardiary
Some days just do not go to plan. FACT. The real test is more about how you deal with that statement.

Yesterday I didn't do anything on my to-do list... not one thing.

It got to around 3pm and I figured that I needed daylight to do many of the tasks and seeing as the sun was due to set in less than an hour, I unwillingly accepted defeat.

Well done Kat, failed at life...again.

I retired to my couch in my Mickey Mouse Pjs, using my fluffy new throw to block out the world, while I ate far too much pâté and binge-watched season three of How To Get Away With Murder.

Keeping my mind busy while negative thoughts at present is easier said than done.  I couldn't shake the feeling that I had really let myself down, wasted precious time and let my negativity win. I found myself feeling really low, despondent and frustrated in myself.

I find that it's really easy to let those kind of thoughts win in scenarios like this. Especially at times when I am struggling with rationalising my thoughts and balancing my moods. In my rational mind (when I am not struggling) I can usually accept that some things just do not go to plan, accept that I am not a failure and plan to tackle my jobs on another day without beating myself up about it. The reality is that at the moment, I am struggling. There is no shame in that. I am not rationalising my negative thoughts very well at all.

I have recently started my second course of CBT to help me cope with my depression & anxiety.  CBT really helped me back in 2012 when I hit my lowest ebb, so I was keen to see if it could help again. I am pleased to say that I think it really does help me. I get that it may not suit everyone but for me I find it extremely cathartic to be able to talk to someone completely impartial.  Talking to friends and family is sometimes just not as helpful as it may seem. I often find that talking to friends can actually result in me slipping into the role of the listener. That's not a bad thing at all, friendship is meant to be a two way street so I am happy to be the listening ear if a friend needs me. However talking to my therapist is different.  She just listens, without knowing the people involved or being present in the situations she is able to offer advice and support without prejudice or opinion which helps me rationalise the situation myself.

So using some of the tools that I learnt in CBT I managed to dig myself out of my funk. I figured that I could make a plan to tackle the jobs tomorrow (today).

I planned to get up nice and early... Check!
I planned to write today's entry.... Check!
I planned to try my hardest to do at least one job on my list... not just yet. It is early still. I have the whole day ahead of me and I am feeling good.


How do you guys rationalise negative thoughts?

Xx

That time I was practically naked on Oxford Street...

#perfectlyyou
Last weekend I took part in the NuNude campaign #PerfectlyYou. A group of women of different skin tones, sizes, heights and other unique features all took to the streets of London to campaign for diversity, positivity and acceptance of all women. We were all wearing swimwear provided by NuNude.  NuNude have created a line of "nude" swimwear and lingerie in varying skin shades, creating more realistic nude shades than are widely available.


The concept of this campaign was to empower others to be comfortable in the skin they're in, we all had signs, which we held as we walked the streets together in solidarity.  Our signs represented negative comments that each of us had been called at some point in our lives. For example, mine said "You see fat...I see perfect"  Now let me just say here that in my opinion the word "FAT" is not a negative comment in itself.  It's a descriptive word, an adjective, one that simply describes me further. However many people throughout my life have flung this word at me in an attempt to belittle, hurt or offend me, so I bared reference to it in my sign.


Just like the rest of the thoroughly brave women who walked beside me, I felt empowered by the fabulous response we got from the public on the streets.  People were receptive to the fact that we were making such bold statements and sticking two proverbial fingers up at anyone who thinks that these things are attributes to things to be ashamed of.

I struggle with the word "perfect" personally.  I don't think that anything in this world is "perfect" as everyone's perception of what they deem as perfect is different, it's subjective. By me adding the words "I see perfect" I do not mean that being "fat" should be everyone's idea of perfect, I simply feel that I am perfectly fine with the way I am and I am happy and utterly confident in the skin I am in.
In today's society so many people deem that being overweight is unhealthy and undesirable and should be something that people should not wish to be, therefore anyone who is confident in a fat body is therefore glorifying obesity. *insert eye rolls*



So when NuNude posted a shot of me and Kay on their Instagram page, I was totally happy with sharing the image of myself.  The image was shared several times and has amassed over 70,000 likes so far. So what if you could see my tummy and chunky thighs, I was grinning like the Cheshire Cat, I was as happy as Larry (who's Larry? anyone know??) BUT...it seems that my fat ass seemed to offend a LOT of people too!

Some of the 1,700+ comments were lovely and supportive of the campaign and supported the message we were trying to convey, others took it upon themselves to be judge, jury and executioner over the pressing case of my health.

The only problem with that is...YOU CANNOT JUDGE A PERSON'S HEALTH BY LOOKING AT A PHOTO!



So many people assumed that I am unhealthy, likely to die of diabetes or a heart condition or that I am "two mouthfuls away from a gastric bypass" (their comments not mine!)  Many people even resorted to name calling, I was called a "Fat ass n***a", a "Fat c**t", a whale and many other colourful words...some even told me I should just kill myself, (nice eh?)  Many of the worst comments were deleted by the brand in an attempt to reduce offending me.


I am not naive, I understand that being overweight may exacerbate health problems but you cannot assume that because I am overweight that I suffer with these things.  You cannot assume I am lazy or that I "spend all day shoving cake in my fat gob" (how do they know my secret!) I don't need these people to worry for my health, I don't need them to assume that I do not exercise or that I am unfit. I certainly don't wanna hear about the fact that they are so repulsed by me that I should take my own life!  I would love to know if these keyboard warriors would be so brazen if they were stood in front of me?  If they knew me or actually had enough of a brain to do a little research on the person they were slating, would they still think the same?  What is so criminal about being overweight and more importantly, who the hell gave them the right to pass judgement on me or my health?  To be perfectly honest if fat is the worst that these guys can do, then I will take it all day long, cos I would much rather be known as a fat girl than a complete ass-hat!


Many people reached out to me personally, asking if I was okay after reading some of the comments. I am grateful for the look out, but really keyboard warriors do not phase me in the slightest. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I understand that I will not be everyone's cuppa. I do not need their concern over my health.  I responded, I said my piece, I had no desire to retaliate to any of the comments personally or individually.  


I consider myself extremely lucky that I have the mental tools to allow me to treat that negativity like water off a duck's back.  Many people unfortunately aren't at this stage of acceptance and could have found the comments devastating.  A few years ago, I would have not been so strong, my mental health would have taken a severe beating.  Imagine if I had not had such thick skin and I had been so hurt by their opinions that I resorted to taking my own life.  I'm not gonna lie, this is really my first real taste of trolling and it does hurt to hear the comments, but I do not dwell on their toxic negativity and I certainly do not let the words penetrate me. They are JUST WORDS and they are JUST trolls and they cannot hurt me.


If you can take one thing away from my experience, take this...
Trolls are ass-hats! If you ever are faced with this kind of experience, know that you are all kinds of awesome and the negative opinions of others do not define you in any way.  You do not need the validation of anyone else to make you whole.  If you are truly happy within yourself then no ones' negativity can penetrate your skin. Don't retaliate - it fuels their fire. Don't let them win - silence is way louder, ignore the ignorant...and keep fucking smiling!


xXx

Yes...I can!! The story behind the Smile

change
**Trigger Warning** - Weight loss, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Mental Health
For so many years I felt as though I had a lead weight around me. Constantly feeling that I could never amount to anything more or wasn't worth investing time in. I just didn't feel worthy. I always made excuses for not doing the things I wanted in life like studying, going for a higher paid job, fulfilling my dreams or taking a chance at a new opportunity because I didn't think I was capable, I didn't know that I was capable, I assumed I wasn't. I had no self belief.

I hated the person I had become; emotionally and physically.  Mentally I was dangling by a very thin thread.  I constantly focused on the negative things that I disliked about myself. I just couldn't see the positives.  I felt worthless. Me being the person that I am I tried to put on a brave face and carry on as if everything was fine but I had become so low that tears flowed regularly and happiness only came in small waves.

So many contributing factors weighed me down, my physical health was spiralling out of control and my mental health took the hardest blow. 

I was fed up of being sick, fed up of nothing changing, fed up of coping, fed up of the hand I had been dealt. I wanted more, I needed it, for my own sanity. I longed to be happy again, I wanted to smile. I wanted to be able to walk without my back, legs and chest aching. 

17 year old Kat (size 28) and baby Mya

After doubling my body weight throughout the 9 months of pregnancy at the age of 16 I was left with a body that I had no idea how to deal with. Before pregnancy I was extremely active with no health issues and when my boyfriend at the time left me 7 months pregnant I found it increasingly difficult to come to terms with the bodily changes I was experiencing.   I didn't have the mental capacity at that age to rationalise and not overeat so I binged, I ate more than I needed to and I had no measure of control.  I was unhappy so I ate for comfort. Before pregnancy I was active; a dancer, during pregnancy I stopped exercising. I barely left the house and if I did it was in a cab.   After having my daughter, I sought help from my doctor and we tried many methods of weight loss. I tried weight watchers, diet plans, diet pills, gym, dieticians referrals, slimming world, I even tried more radical measures behind closed doors like fad pills and starvation techniques. None of these things seemed to stick enough for me to lose the amount of weight I desired.

15 year old Kat (Size 12)
My GP gave me an ultimatum, if I didn't lose a considerable amount of weight I was on track to inherit many of my families illnesses, not in later life as I had imagined but imminently. I was petrified. I didn't want to be an unwell young person. He explained that if I did not shift the weight he would refer me for bariatric surgery as a last resort. I didn't want surgery, I had heard so many negative stories about them that even when I read or heard a positive one it was outweighed by all the bad.

Kat age 19 (Size 26)

In a last attempt to get back to my pre baby levels of fitness I joined a theatre group and took up salsa classes and over that 3 year period I lost my biggest chunk of weight. I dropped from a size 28 to a size 24.  Although I had lost some weight, there were other contributing factors that affected my mental health and I was not any happier.  I was not happy at home or at work, I felt like I wasn't being myself with my friends (I didn't know who I was.)

Kat Age 20 - Size 26
My mental state was undeniably low. I wallowed for a long time. Years in fact, just flitting from day to day in this sedentary state, depressed, unhappy, unworthy,  completely unaware that I held the key to change within me if I just new how to release it.

As you probably know, my weight wasn't the only part of me that I had issues with, my dental situation had peaked and gotten to a stage where I was so embarrassed and fed up of being ridiculed and treated differently because of my appearance that I was thinking irrationally about my place in the world. I felt as though I was a hindrance to my daughter, she was seeing an unhealthy woman as her mother and I was afraid of her developing similar characteristics. I felt like constantly being in and out of hospital due to my asthma, DVT, cysts and other medical problems was putting a strain on my family.  Maybe they would be better off if I wasn't here. 

Speaking about those feelings with my other half or anyone was unbearable, no one seemed to understand my rationale instead they shrugged off my comments with a flick of the hand as if they weren't valid feelings at all.

I was too scared to take my own life and I didn't want to burden my family with the pain of me doing so, but I secretly longed for something to happen to me to make things easier for those I cared about, that way it would be out of my hands.  
My Denture Adventure (2014)

In hindsight, I know that these thoughts weren't a solution, they were my way out though...those feelings are what propelled me to taking the first steps to change.  When I actually thought about my life, I felt like I had a purpose and so much more to give but things were holding me back, the biggest thing being my confidence.

When I finally sought advice from my new GP (I had moved areas) she listened to me and my thoughts and decided to take some action, she referred me for a short course of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and referred me to a bariatric team at St Georges hospital to discuss my weight loss options. She understood my concerns with not wanting surgery but felt that I should discuss all my options with the team to see what the alternatives were.  She also wrote a referral letter to Kings College Dental hospital detailing my severe dental phobia explaining that she recommended treatment in hospital to undergo any work under general anaesthetic not just local (so be put to sleep, rather than just injections or sedation.)  I finally felt like someone in the NHS was listening to me.

This gave me something that I had thought I had lost completely....hope!

CBT was hard and painful, talking about my mental health, weight, dental issues, health concerns, relationship/friendships, work issues all at once was overwhelming and I wasn't sure it was helping at all. I stuck at it though, to prove to myself that I could change if I wanted to.  It wasn't the magic cure, nothing ever is, but it did give me some useful tips that I still use to this day.

GP's referrals on the NHS take an age to come around and as fate would have it, something changed which catapulted my dental journey into action.  One of my front teeth broke.  

That was it....the pivotal moment...the catalyst for change.  I was in pain and I had hit the lowest point I could possibly go.  I couldn't face going out with a front tooth broken in half and hanging off.  I had spent the best part of 13 years with my teeth deteriorating at a rapid rate and I had accepted my teeth were a lost cause that I simply didn't have the courage nor the money to fix (I'm not going to go to much into detail with this as I have documented my whole dental story on YouTube - feel free to give it a watch here)

To summarise, having my teeth sorted was the point of change for me.  I had 16 broken roots/teeth removed under general anaesthetic and a temporary denture fitted. Getting my smile back and overcoming my biggest phobia doing so was a huge eye opener for me.  It made me realise that I was way more capable than I actually thought.  It wasn't an instant confidence boost, if you watch my videos you will see that I actually really struggled with the process but it made a huge difference.  Those who knew me "pre-teeth" commented with such positivity which spurred me on.  

If I hadn't had my teeth done, I wouldn't have started this blog, or had the confidence to try out for Ms Curvaceous UK (my first taster of modelling).  I started blogging to help other people who may be in similar situations, to show that they are not alone.  I wanted to share my story in an attempt to inspire at least one person to battle their fears or inner demons if it meant it would improve their quality of life or instil even a smidgen of confidence.

My audition photos for Ms Curvaceous UK (November 2014 Size 24/22)
Over the last year I have worked my arse off at remaining positive and flushing all negativity and toxic thoughts & behaviours from my life.  Instead of me being negative about things, I adapted, using terms like, "I can do it" or "why the hell not" or "what have I got to lose?"  It is hard to remain positive all the time after all we all have down days but I surround myself with strong, inspirational people who are pillars of strength for me.

Conquering my biggest fear made me evaluate my worth and gave me a brighter outlook on life. I have achieved so many things all which have improved both my physical and mental health as a result of a small change.  My smile brought me confidence to try new things, which involved being braver in my outfit choices, taking part in group exercise classes which I previously would've shied away from for fear of ridicule, a more positive outlook & a greater love for my body flaws and all.

My health has improved drastically, I've been cleared of DVT, my asthma is well controlled, I haven't had any reoccurring episodes of previous cysts, my mouth is no longer in pain,  I have been tested for some of the illnesses that my parents suffer with and I do not appear to have indicators at this stage in my life and providing I can continue to care a bit more about this one body I have then I hope I can keep those illnesses away.

Being more active has made me lose not so much weight but inches, I have lost some weight but in the space of a year I have dropped two dress sizes and I am comfortably sitting between an 18/20.  I have learnt that my body is a beautiful and powerful thing and instead of being negative about the things I don't like, I choose to concentrate on the fact that I am happy with it just the way it is right now, if my body changes then so be it.  I'm not going to shed another tear over it. It's my body and I love it just the way it is.  No more fad diets, I love food and I'm bloody going to enjoy it just not binge when I am down and instead of eating rubbish all the time, I'm trying to think about what I am putting in my body and when.  

Various stages of inch loss through fitness classes (all 2015)

I'm not in a huge rush to lose any more weight, I do however want my fitness to improve though. My fitness instructor and good friend Louise and I have set myself a rather big goal for 2016 and I will achieve that goal cos I am powerful and strong, capable, beautiful and I can do anything I set my mind to.

Thank you for listening to me, writing this has been extremely difficult, but quite therapeutic...I don't often share it.  I hope it gives you a little insight into the story behind the smile.
Me & my smile (2015)

Xx