Diary Entry - Thursday 10th January


Everything of late has just been a pain fest!  PAIN PAIN PAIN 

"Have these steriod injections into your back" They said...
"They will help you with your pain" They said...
"Oh no they won't hurt" They said...


32 Injections I had in my back on Monday...not one....not even 10....MATE thirty frickin' two!!!

The process didn't take long, say 20 mins/half hour but it was not painless, it was sore and painful and even now I'm on day 4 and the injection sites are still sore to touch and the residual dull ache is still very much there.  I have been advised that the pain may worsen for the first 7-10 days and then after that the steroid should kick in and it should *fingers crossed* help me break the cycle of pain.
I am trying really hard to focus on the fact that this is a minor setback - short term pain for a longer term gain, but it's tough. Real tough.  

The week has been a mishmash of sorts;

Monday was a write off due to the back injection surgery. Spent the majority of the day horizontal.
Tuesday was my Mama's 65th birthday so we went to spend a few hours with her and we passed through Tasha's on the way home for a cuppa.  Was lovely to catch up briefly with her and Daisy.

Wednesday I had my OH assessment up in London - then I had to rush home for a nurse appointment in the afternoon.  I did manage to take a slow walk over London Bridge though, it was a beautifully sunny day, so I got off the bus a stop earlier and walked the bridge.
 I also went to BOOSTFit in Horley - I LOOOOOVE that class, the atmosphere was electric!

Today was my first day back at work. It was my "trial a day working in the office" day!  I'm doing reduced hours (10am to 4pm) so it is more manageable and avoid the rush hour commutes as well as fit in my daily nurse appointments to change my dressings.

It was good to be back in the office.  Nice to return to some routine.  I stood up most of the day - way more comfortable that sitting down but I am proud of myself for pushing through the discomfort to see what I was capable of. Small wins!  Just got back from supporting Jen at her Sevenoaks class, I even taught some tracks, albeit on the low but it felt good to be moving!

I don't want to jinx anything...but I think I actually might be getting somewhere.  I am starting to see slivers of the old Kat, the woman who I miss greatly.  This version of me is one that I am not all that familiar with, I have never really been one to struggle in social situations, I don't usually get anxious about socialising or nervous about being in the company of others, but since my mood has dropped I constantly feel like I am being judged on my wellness and capability and it makes me feel really uneasy. Kinda like I have to prove something to someone....but the truth is....I have NOWT to prove to anyone. I am enough just the way I am.  I am healing and growing and I am doing it at my own pace.  I am in no rush to jump back into my hectic life, don't get me wrong I MISS IT tonnes but I refuse to allow my body to burn out again. I need to protect that Kat, so that she can be a stronger version of herself, one who understands the importance of rest and allowing herself the time and space to heal and grow.

I need to look after not only my body but also I need to focus on listening to it - when I notice signs of lagging or start to feel too pressured, I need to take a step back, refocus, regroup. Evaluate the situation, prioritise it's importance and adjust accordingly.

That is one of  the most important part of #SELFCARE in my opinion.  Your body knows what it needs and it often craving these things but our own self saboteurs ruin things for us .  I am making a conscious effort to NOT LET THEM DEMONS WIN!  That's my promise to myself.  

Tomorrow is a rest day, then Small Child & I are off to Dublin for the weekend!

Exciting times 

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